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Column: Rise of the Machines

Dear readers,

 My first week here at the Shelby County Post has been great. I really enjoy the camaraderie. Now don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been easy.  Let’s face it, Johnny McCrory and Jeff Brown are both really sports guys at heart.

I am the new guy, so some hazing is expected. I must remember to check the spring adjustment on my chair when I come to work. Several times I have been ejected from my seat when leaning back to take my mid-morning nap. 

I have learned that Johnny is very touchy about his radio equipment. I swear I have not touched any of the switches or dials. If you radio listeners experienced any problems with the signal last week, it wasn’t my fault.

Thanks to all of you who have called or written to congratulate me on my move. A special thank you to those loyal readers who sent gifts. 

Now let’s get to this week’s mail.  Enjoy!

 

 

Dear Kris,

Congratulations on finding a new home for your column. I guess having a side hustle is more important than ever for you. I stopped by the courthouse this week and was shocked to find a cyborg lawyer trolling for business just outside the courtroom on the first floor.

My first thoughts were of you and our classmate, Warren Good. I thought, how can my friends compete with this shyster robot? 

There he stands hour after hour electrified and advertising “Indiana Legal Help.” The robot never goes to lunch or takes a coffee break.

Kris, I suppose you could get a battery-powered bow tie that spins and lights up, but what can Warren do? He will probably have to spring for some custom suits in loud colors and bold patterns to get noticed.

Oh well, all’s not lost. At least you have a side hustle writing your column and both of you are old enough to receive a social security check. I look forward to seeing you and all our classmates later this summer for our 50th high school reunion.

Sincerely,

John Richmond, SHS class of ‘73

Dear John,

Since I had written a previous column about the cashiers at Kroger and Walmart being replaced by cyborgs, I thought you were joking about the robot lawyer. A quick visit to the courthouse proved you were not joking.

I was likewise shocked to find a cyborg lawyer soliciting clients. I didn’t even realize they were admitting cyborgs to law school. As a local lawyer, I find the robot lawyer in the courthouse much more annoying than the Hammer’s billboards or Ken Nunn’s TV commercials where he makes a little check turn into a giant check.

I guess I really shouldn’t be shocked by machines taking over. Back in high school, we read a novel by Hoosier writer Kurt Vonnegut Jr. titled “Player Piano.” The story was about machines taking over in the future. 

I paid no attention to Kurt’s warning. I had a new pair of Earth shoes and mistakenly believed the future would be a utopia instead of the dystopia it is becoming. I look forward to seeing you and all our classmates at the reunion this summer.

Sincerely,

Kris

When I returned to the radio station, Johnny McCrory could tell that I was all bummed out. He and Jeff Brown convinced me that the machines haven’t won yet. Johnny pointed out that Linda Hamilton’s character, Sarah Connor, in “The Terminator” never gave up even when the cyborg came back from the future and tried to kill her. Jeff Brown, like a good coach at halftime, sketched out a play on his clipboard.

The next time I was at the courthouse, I introduced myself and on behalf of the Shelby County Bar Association welcomed the robot to town.  While I kept the robot distracted, Warren Good snuck around and unplugged it.

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.

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