Feature Contributors

Column: Inquiring minds want to know

Dear readers,

You have questions. I have answers.

This week I will not be printing entire rambling and mostly pointless letters from readers. I will instead just answer reader questions selected from random letters. Besides, if I thought you wanted to read a thousand words of pointless rambling, I would have just written another column about “The Helbing.”

Now, on with your questions. Enjoy!

Q: Kris, I loved your column about the “Diabolical Iron Clad Beetle.” It was your best column in a long time. Can you write more columns about bugs?

A: I can’t write more columns about bugs because I didn’t write the one you are referring to. You have confused my column “A View From My Schwinn” with fellow GIANT fm columnist Mike Dooley and his column, “Pest Assassin.”

It is a common mistake among readers. As a side note, since Mike has moved into the office next to mine, I haven’t seen a single pest here at the GIANT fm studio. Mike didn’t even spray any chemicals. His mere presence frightened all the insects away. 



Q: Kris, has anyone taken you up on your offer to officiate their wedding for free so long as the venue is The Helbing? And if not, will you officiate a renewal of vows ceremony for my wife and me if we do it at The Helbing? I want to surprise her. 

A: No one has taken up my free wedding offer yet. And no, I will not officiate your vows renewal ceremony. My advice is to not surprise your wife. You might be the one who ends up getting the surprise. You convinced her to say “I do” once. Now that she has had a few years to get to know you better, I wouldn’t risk asking again. 

Q: Kris, asking for a friend, what lotion would you recommend for the skin rash caused by reading your column?

A: Cloverine Salve is my go-to all purpose liniment. Years ago it was sold exclusively by children who answered an advertisement on the back of a comic book. At the age of nine, I wasn’t much of a door-to-door salesman. So, I still have a good supply. I use it for everything from cuts and bruises to lubricating my Rich Wetnight muzzleloader.

Q: Kris, thanks for the suggestion that I put a few nickels in my pajama pocket before bedtime. I had my recurring dream featuring a pay toilet that night. With a pocket full of nickels, it turned my nightmare into a happy dream. There was a poem written on the pay toilet stall. It began with the line, “Here I sit, all broken hearted.” I woke up before finishing the poem. Since you are from the Eisenhower Administration, do you know the rest of the poem?

A: Yes, I do. I’m sure your grandpa can still recite it from memory. If not, just Google the first part of the poem.

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.

WARNING:  If reading Meltzer’s column causes a rash, dry cough, excess phlegm, sciatica, or blurred vision, stop reading immediately. 

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